Dear all

As published in the much delayed New Years Day Walton Casuals programme. 

If you didn't buy one this is what you missed ...................... now watch some of it come true 


January  
After all the excesses of the Christmas & New Year festivities the entire playing squad report back to training grossly overweight. ‘Bondy’ is immediately employed as First Team Fitness Coach. Manager ‘Tanns’ exclaims; “We needed somebody that could come in straight away and be a shining example to the boys”. ‘Bondy’ appoints Dave Irons as his number two (........and three and four and five !)  ‘Statler’ & ‘Waldorf‘ are forced to lodge a complaint with the management as their workload increases ten fold as a result of the increased consumption of pies and chips by the coaching staff.
 
February               
There is uproar at the “Kings Widow” ground before our Surrey Senior Cup quarter-final against “AFC Norbiton” when the “Terrors” first team turn out in the much loved/hated (please delete where necessary) blue “away kit”. AFC immediately object to the colour clash and TMU have to resort to the famous Black and White Stripes. Chaos ensues when the ‘Bog End’ faithful raid the changing rooms and light a funeral pyre in the car park with all of the blue “away kit” they can get their hands on. The flames are stoked with a pile of greasy chips that are mysteriously found on the floor behind a goal.
 
March
The football world is shocked to the core when the “Terrors” reserve team squad win their Surrey Senior Cup semi-final tie by five clear goals over “Slutton Disunited’s” full first team at “Gangrene Lane”. ‘Cheery’ Dave cries all the way to the pub after the match, he’s never been so unhappy at having nothing to moan about ! ‘HillBilly’ and ‘The Bishop’ even have to finish his cheese platter and pint whilst he’s consumed with tears ! In the final held at “Not Plod’s” “Embers Caught” ground, the Terrors overturn a first half  2 - 0 deficit to “The Waltons” after a hat trick is scored by new signing ‘Wilfred Hyde-White’ to win 2 - 3 !
 
April
Ageing pensioners, ‘Bog End Tim’ & Geoff ‘Statler’ Gitt heroically turn out for the “Fans” team in the annual “First team” v “Fans” charity match, despite both of them suffering from advanced stages of gout !  However, when they are awarded a penalty each during the match, they are humiliated as first team mascot and stand-in ‘keeper, young Anthony Harold saves them both !  First team manager ’Tanns’ is so impressed that he immediately signs Anthony as back up to ‘Smudge’ and ‘Cheads Minor’
 
May  
The “Terrors” are bound for the Ryman Premier League after a magnificent play-off win by 7 clear goals against local rivals, “Levred”, who’s ‘keeper still can’t find his shorts after last season’s “Hillgate” incident ! As a thank you for the team’s efforts, millionaire club owner ‘Stefano Adkinovitz’ stumps up the cash to fly the management and squad out to the Bahamas for a well earned break on his luxury yacht. The team returns from their day trip completely exhausted and it takes them the rest of June & July to recover.
 
June
Volunteer work parties are organised to improve some of the facilities at Imperial Fields. ‘Statler & Waldorf’ are asked to provide chips, pies and hot drinks for the volunteers. Fitness coaches ‘Bondy’ & ‘Ironsy’ turn up early to help out and by the time a tea break is called, all the pies have gone – most of the chips are subsequently found on the floor behind a goal after ‘Bondy’ had painted the cross-bar ! “Terrors” Head of Security, ‘Lady Claire Catchpole’ goes missing after ‘Little Timmy Marcus’ has repaired the lock on the ladies loos ! Faint scratching noises from behind the door can be heard but they are ignored as they are thought to be the club cat chasing mice again.
 
July   
Friendly (??) matches are organised for the “Terrors” against “Carcinogenic Arthritic”, “Levred”, “Slutton Disunited” and of course the BIG one, “Accrington Stanley’s Wanderers” ! Sadly the BIG match against ACWFC is abandoned with the Terrors already 15 – 0 up after 10 minutes when the referee slips on a pile of “dogs doings” on the pitch at “Stanley’s” Council owned Mitcham Common pitch. The ref subsequently ends up in “May Die” hospital after getting a button in the eye whilst landing heavily on a plastic bag full of clothes and metal badges used as one of the goal posts for the match.
 
August  
The “Terrors” all new strike partnership signings, ‘Mustafa Emchengpiong-Sulimen-Archezajian’ and ’Arjonovitz Bogdanovitz-Izanovazovov’ score six goals each in a stunning debut for the Terrors at Imperial Fields to thrash “Dulwit Hampsters” 12 – 0 in a London Senior Cup tie. Match day announcer, ‘Roy Scissors’ (“in the sky with diamonds”) resigns from his lucrative post with immediate effect citing stress as the cause of his rapid demise. A subsequent case of constructive dismissal bought by ‘Scissors’ against millionaire club owner ‘Stefano Adkinovitz’ is thrown out in the Law Courts.
 
September  
After a dismal run of league results for the “Terrors” in August & September, fitness coaches ‘Bondy’ & ‘Ironsy’ are dismissed and replaced by ‘Hill-Billy’ & ‘Cheery Dave’.  ‘Statler & Waldorf’ are relieved as they no longer have to provide an additional freezer full of chips & pies on match days for the coaching staff alone. Bondy throws his final plate of chips on the floor in disgust !
                                               
October  
Roy Sisley rejoins the “Terrors” backroom staff as the match day announcer after he learns that both ‘Mustafa Emchengpiong-Sulimen-Archezajian’ and ‘Arjonovitz Bogdanovitz-Izanovazovoititch’ have left to join “Accrington Stanley’s Wanderers” in the Surrey Sunday morning senior pub league for retired gentlemen. ‘M25 Mike’ develops a severe nose bleed when visiting “Musty-Ham’s” ground for the first time ever for our away fixture. The “Bog End” faithful have convinced him that their ground is just inside the M25 and as a result he has a severe allergic reaction.
 
November  
The RSPB descend upon Imperial Fields to investigate allegations of cruelty to birds when the South London Press feature a report entitled “Terrors inflict misery and torture on Robins” after our thrashing of “Carcinogenic Arthritic” in the FA Trophy by 7 – 0 ! As Vultures are seen circling over the ground, Imperial Fields is declared an RSPB Reserve and Chris Packham is employed by the “Terrors” as the new Ornithological Technical Director.
 
December  
The “Terrors” visit Guernsey for their Boxing Day match taking nearly five hundred “Bog Enders” on a series of cheap day return flights. Chaos descends upon the island when a Tsunami shuts down the airport and docks and the whole massed ranks of the team entourage and fans are marooned for two days. A national emergency is declared on the island after the “Bog Enders” consume every available burger, pie and bacon sandwich and drink the island completely dry !