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Just to lighten the load and shed some frivolity on the ongoing war between "Blondy" & ""Gazza Walkover", here's the Bog End Almanac for 2015 as printed in the Carshalton programme (for those of you had didn't manage to secure a copy or just couldn't be R'sd to spend the measly two quid it costs ! )
JANUARY - In a shock move to bolster the Terror’s shaky defence, Manager Craig “Spanns” Spanner brings in two new players to provide a physical presence in the back four. Chaos ensues when Macron have to order two additional rolls of shirt material to make the XXXXXL shirts required by “Blondy” and “Ironside” !
FEBRUARY - With the new defenders now in the first team squad, “Statler & Waldorf” are contracted to supply the half-time pies to the dressing room. Angry fans blockade the Tea Bar to prevent their loss of half-time sustenance due to the team taking all of the half-time supplies.
MARCH - First team morale slumps as the new defenders finish off all the after match food before the rest of the team have left the pitch. Manager “Spanns” has a team revolt on his hands. In other shock news, “Leef the Mod” wears his white jeans and winkle picker shoes during a freak snow storm at an away match at “Herne’s Gay”. “Leef” is never seen again after he slips on an icy patch and merges in to the snow drifts.
APRIL - “Spanns” re-signs the strike partnership of “Mustafa Emchengpiong-Sulimen-Archezajian” and “Arjonovitz Bogdanovitz-Izanovazovov” who starred for the Terrors in 2014. They yet again immediately score six goals each in their second debuts at Imperial Fields, the Terrors thrashing local rivals the Dobbins by 12 – 0. Match day announcer, “Roy Scissors” (….in the sky with diamonds….) once again resigns from his lucrative post with immediate effect.
MAY - “Scissors” repeats his previous 2014 attempts to take millionaire club owner “Stefano Adkinovitz” to court in a case for constructive dismissal but yet again fails. The Terrors reach the League promotion play-offs and go to Guernsey for the final. The Island has reportedly sunk by over six inches with the additional weight of the extra supplies of real ale shipped in for the match.
JUNE - With all the players away on well earned holidays the Terrors prepare for life in the Premier division. A new contract for the supply of chips to the club is placed whilst “Blondy” leaves the team and goes in to the Catering industry. “Blondy Bites” are the new product of choice at “Statler & Waldorf’s” tea bar :- Buy two packs and spill one free !
JULY - Once again work parties are organised to carry out improvements at “Imperial Fields”. The terracing behind the goals are jet washed but all of the excess water drains away towards the “Shuk” and all of their chicken is jerked off down Bishopsford road. Rice and peas washed away by the flood waters expand to clog up the local drains and a national emergency is declared. The Bog End choir’s anthem "We're the Bog End, we're the Bog End ..." takes on a whole new meaning.
AUGUST - As a preliminary to the new season, friendly (??) matches are organised against “Dullwits”, “Chipmakers” and “Slutton Disunited”. The away game at “Chipmakers” falls in to chaos as “Blondy” jumps to the wrong conclusion and cleans out their tea bar of burgers and chipolatas, promptly throwing them all on the pitch when a Terror’s goal is disallowed !
SEPTEMBER - Small time Mitcham shopkeeper “Little Timmy Markup” is severely injured when his cash till crashes shut on his fingers whilst trying to retrieve a dodgy five pound note passed to him by a strange little bearded spiv in Tooting market. The little spiv, known to the local Plod as “Stanley Chapelmin”, is found to be passing off cheap Chinese copies of somebody else’s family heirlooms whilst wandering around in a deluded daze.
OCTOBER - The Environment Agency shock the management at Imperial Fields by announcing that a new flood plain is to be constructed for overflow from the river Wandle and the recent Jerk Chicken disaster. The main pitch is destined to be dug up and converted in to a Carp fishery. Local Polish activists blockade Imperial Fields in a bid to claim sole Angling rights !
NOVEMBER - The Bog End choir audition for X-factor and are amazed when their rendering of "The ballad of Sandy Lane" gets them straight in to the first round. Choirmaster “Big Bend Tim” becomes an instant teenage heart throb, with little boys following him around wherever he goes chanting his catchphrases : "Get yer belly out of yer eyes fatso ........." and the ever popular "Get yer tanks out of Poland you one eyed.......".
DECEMBER - The Bog End choir win X-factor by an overwhelming majority beating the “Wealdstone Wan**r” into a distant second place. Their subsequent first record, "We hate Dulwits and we hate Dulwits..." led by a cameo performance from top over sixties band “HillBilly and the Rugs”, becomes an overnight sensation firing the choir to number one in the Christmas charts. The Bog End choir make a fortune and plough their earnings back into a non-aligned fans buy out of a little known local non-league football club. The "Surrey Comic" subsequently reports on the winding up of “Tottering & Mucking Wanderings FC”. A local spiv with a plastic bag full of Chinese fake shirts is arrested and jailed for six months for trading without a licence !
Look out for hot 2016 news next year !
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Any prizes for spotting the deliberate mistakes in Thursday's programme???
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Gary & I were previously lovers and are sometimes a little bitter because we can't be together now.
Cracking work Dee Pee.
Mrs Bondy is a little concerned by all this mention if my food intake.
She thought I was going off to the gym before every game.
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How does the saying go?
You can fool some of the people some of the time, etc.
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Well there has to be one smart a..e! It could be to do with a certain date, methinks!!
Just also like to congratulate Dee Pee on producing such a good programme. It can't be easy, so well done.
Now over to Bondy and Gary for the next round of fun.
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".....deliberate mistakes in Thursday's programme....."
As if !! Oooops, found one !
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You don't have to look to far do you Dee Pee?
Clue...It's on the front cover.
Bondy is already at the gym, that's why he hasn't replied yet Gary!
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It's only a day out ! If you had enough to drink on New Year's eve you'd never notice anyway !
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In years to come that programme will be selling on E bay for fortunes.
I am going to pass mine on to my children to form part of their inheritance.
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Carefull what you say DP, a sentence in Decembers musings may result in legal procedings against you !
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Oooops, sorry Andy, I forgot, the DB5's (59's ? - Over 60's ? ) are the best Over 60's band out there at present !